Splicers
by IHaveAMessedUpSenseOfHumor
Summary: A happy parody of Harem fanfictions. It actually is this time. The plot in all simplicity is that our kemonomimi cast straight from jail end up in a bit of a ... sticky situation. I hope you enjoy following them on all manner of humorous escapades. Thanks to RedShoeParade. Please read and review! Rated T for language! Note: Chapter one being updated, feel free to skip to two.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own this franchise or any of its characters.

**Author Note: **This is a parody of Harem Anime and Kemonomimi fics. The titles are the names of super fluffy cute vocaloid songs that are appropriate for a super cheerful but kind of strange romantic WAFF comedy. This isn't a homage to School Days I promise! I mean after all nothing good ever came from that show eh?

Anyway there will be plenty of shippings but I will warn you when they show alright? Alright!

Splicers

Episode One: My crush was a monster boy.

**Somewhere in a large and corrupt Utopia there was a leader. The leader of all security. Security, the thing that kept people from leaving, that kept Splicers from being integrated into society, that protected' the people. This leader was the leader for ten years. No one expected him to live that long, after all everyone wanted him dead. The leader once sighing as he took a wistful glance at the picture of his older brother and best friend decided that enough was enough and a call went across the nation. 'I'm going to retire' it said. The Right Hand Man, the one that was a constant screw-up, tore at his hair in frustration.**

"**How am I going to deal with this?" he shrieked.**

**He thought about the solution to this issue for months. All ideas being shot down by the security that were being fired as well.**

"**We could blackmail him." The Right Hand Man suggested.**

"**With what? Besides we'd have to ask Sayer for help." The secretary mentioned in reply.**

"**Anyway he'd kill us." The former chief of satellite security brought up.**

"**Well I don't know!" The Right Hand Man shrieked louder.**

**And time passes. And time passes. And time-**

"**I know! We appeal to his playboy nature!"**

**After all the leader was famous for attempting to keep a Harem of young women in his mansion. It didn't really work out. There was crossdressing and stabbing, all in all it was a very messy affair with the leader somehow being the only living person in a twelve mile radius.**

**The Right Hand Man continued.**

"**We order some criminals, people nobody will miss, from Satellite! And then of course The Director being himself would be forced to work again after all Harems cost a lot of money to upkeep!"**

"**That actually seems like it would work." The chief shrugs.**

"**Not really." The secretary mutters.**

"**I'm brilliant!" The Right Hand Man cried.**

**The other two didn't really think so but they kept their mouths shut.**

**The very next day the Right Hand Man ordered some criminals from Satellite, as his only experience with Harems was through crappy Anime he however made sure that the staff he sent to pick them picked criminals that fit certain archtypes, rather than not being completely insane. Each archtype was chosen, from the Kuudere who was a Serial Killer to the Tsundere that was a terrorist to the Megane mad scientist to even the Ojou that was a Mafia Princess. It never occurred to the man that maybe freeing criminals and taking them to the, even if he was soon to be retired, most influential man in the city. Other than that another mistake the Right Hand Man made was picking the wrong prison, this prison stored men. However these men being very lady-like and feminine it was easy to make the mistake. Not sure how the Hard-Drinking Party Boy of two hundred and fifty pounds of pure muscle slipped through or the equally large Ice King was even considered. The day after that the Right Hand Man had them shipped off to the mansion. And this is where our story begins:**

Well that's done with. The young ladies should be here soon. The Director will be so pleased. And then he'll stay and I can feed my family without problems. The truck carrying the, heh, cargo arrives. There's an awful lot of screaming coming from the truck, what happened here?

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm out of here!" A deep, almost male voice screams.

Fondly enough they all sound really deep.

"Oh yes, you can certainly walk out of the heavily armored truck." A light and calm voice chuckles.

"And FYI we're all gonna die!" Laughs an incredibly deep masculine voice.

"Die? I'm an innocent man!" Another voice wails.

"We stopped." The calmest voice of all mentions.

"Yeah thank ya captain obvious." A voice with a slight Australian accent grumbles.

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm outta here!" The first voice repeats.

Okay this isn't good.

"Ushio, Sagiri open the doors!" I scream.

The two frown and do it. Seconds afterwards a short masculine woman with bright orange hair bursts out. As they are all chained together she brings down a thin woman with high heeled white boots that should have been removed actually, another thin woman with long silverish hair and a muscular woman with crab hair and blue eyes down with her.

"We're all tied together!" A woman with red hair, green eyes and glasses shouts.

"Hello!" I announce. "I am Yeager and you aren't here to die!"

"Well that's a relief." The carrot toped woman remarks.

"Not for some of us." A very skinny woman with white hair cascading down her face sighs.

What's with all the skinny women? Women should be vavoom!

"You are all here to become The Director's Harem of attractive young women!" I smirk.

They all stare at me.

"We're all men dumbass." The carrot top scoffs.

"Says you." The silverish haired woman with the calm voice smiles. "I know for a fact that one of us is a woman."

"Nope, I'm pretty sure that all the people from the men's prison are men." A particularly muscle-bound woman with long blonde hair, that looks a lot like The Director, comments.

Wait, let me see the name of this truck. Oh. They are men. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? OH GOD THE DIRECTOR WILL BE RETIRING TODAY AND IT WILL ONLY PROMPT HIM TO DO SO FASTER IF HE SEES THIS MESS ON THE FRONT YARD. Better hope Director swings both ways. Sagiri is ushering the men out of the truck. They each glare at me as they get shoved past.

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm outta here!" Carrot top screams.

"We are all tied together." Red head repeats.

"And I have no intention of helping anyone escape. I want to see the benefits of being a Harem are." The silverette chuckles.

"I'm an innocent man!" Wails a man with a strange face.

How did I think these were women? Well I did only see the white haired emo one. This is just horrible. But I can't get fired. I have a family to feed. Wait, those ears, those tails, those scales! Was this a prison for...? As well? Well great not only will The Director retire he'll completely ruin me!

"Sagiri these are men! Splicer men!" I squeak.

"I know, we thought that's what you wanted." Sagiri mentions.

"So we're screwed aren't we?" Ushio asks.

**Yeah actually. You all are. But not yet. Later in the story. **

"No, no, I'm sure The Director will find the goodness in his heart to keep these young men in his house and continue working!" I lie.

"The Director?" Red head frowns. "Is he the one we're here for? I wonder if he's still angry about the time I blew up his office."

"Of course he's still angry! The old biddy's still pissed I stole his ring!" Carrot top calls from almost inside the mansion.

The rest of them get pushed in.

"Do we get a phone call?" A blonde with large cow horns asks.

"Uh, I don't think you do." Sagiri answers.

I walk in after them. Ushio has closed all the doors and uncuffed them. Kazama frowns in the back with Sagiri.

"Names, crimes, ages and species please." Kazama sighs.

"Crow Hogan, uh theft, grand theft auto, vandalism, possession of Splicer drugs and prostitution, seventeen, Hooded Crow, ya know that could explain my kleptomania." Carrot top lists.

Crab head beside him starts up, "Fudou Yuusei, developing the Splicer drug, eighteen, Hokkaido Wolf, I am aware that the species is no longer on this Earth but I am one."

A tall man with blonde hair shaped like a crown and bright purple eyes starts. "Jack Atlus, homicide, assault, drug running, jaywalking, tax evasion and possession of Splicer drugs, nineteen, Chinchilla Cat in shaded gold and don't forget it.."

The emo white haired man sighs "Kyosuke Kiryu, serial homicide and possession of Splicer drugs, eighteen, Dumbo Rat."

A broad man with black hair and yellow streaks sighs as well. "Dragan Lyn, serial homicide, gun running, drug running, assault, battery, possession of Splicer drugs, I am twenty six and spliced with a Grolar-Bear. They exist damn it."

The silverette smirks and looks Kazama square in the eye. "Harald Framitiden, multiple homicides, drug and gun running, assault and battery, loitering, possession of Splicer drugs and regular narcotics with intent to distribute, working in the development of Splicer drugs, human trafficking, Splicer trafficking and all over being a Mob Boss. Thirty four years old and spliced naturally with the White-Tailed Eagle, spliced artificially with the Eurasian Wolf."

A cheerful flame headed boy laughs. "Brave Chama, all of the above and a little bit more, um, about twenty and spliced with the Arctic Fox."

The strange faced man coughs. "Hello my name is Jean Epreuve and I am an innocent man. Someone injected me with Splicer drugs randomly on the street! Honestly I would never put something like that near my skin! I am twenty six and am spliced with a Bighorn Ram."

The blonde that asked for the phone speaks up. "Breo Grayson, hacking and illegal possession of Splicer drugs, twenty eight and spliced with the Florida Cracker."

Another red head with a long spike pointing out of the top of his head pipes up. "Andore Sangrar, homicide, homicide, homicide, homicide, assault, homicide and just being me really! Twenty seven! Narwhal!"

A man with spiked hair and yellow eyes breathes out. "Paul Misere is my birth name but I'm Paradox now. High treason and attempted suicide. Serial homicide as well. I am thirty one and was born part European Green Lizard."

The booted man frowns before snickering. "Placido Tenor, high treason and serial homicide. Twenty two and born as a Western Horned Sand Viper."

A young boy smiles and shakes his hair. "Lucciano Tenor, high treason and serial homicide as well. I am eleven years old and born a False Smooth snake."

The largest man of the group speaks. "Akafiara Tenor, high treason, attempted suicide, serial homicide and born a Round Burrowing Boa. Thirty nine years old."

Red head shoves up his glasses and smiles. "Divine Sayer, developing the Splicer drug, homicide, attempted homicide, blackmail and kidnapping. Twenty seven and spliced accidently with a Rhinelander Rabbit."

A blonde man with long locks and green eyes frowns. "Sherry LeBlanc, attempted homicide and high treason, twenty one, French Trotter."

The man that looks like The Director laughs. "Rudger Godwin, homicide, human and Splicer trafficking in Japan and finally developing the original, yep original, Splicer drug. Forty two, it's a meaningful number, and spliced with the Brazilian Salmon Pink Bird-Eating Tarantula. Always loved spiders, never thought I'd become one."

Kazama snaps his notebook shut.

"I have all their data recorded." He mentions. "Now just wait til The Director gets here."

"What in the name of God have done Yeager?"

"Oh he is here." Kazama grins.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own this franchise or any of its characters.

**Author Note: **The last chapter was done in a hurry so a few mistakes were made but don't worry those will be fixed. Eventually. One day. Also my writing style's changed a bit from the first chapter but whatever.

Splicers

Episode Two: Indulging: Idol Syndrome

"What in god's name have you done Yeager?"I ask.

I already know of course. I knew before he even thought of it. I just assumed that he'd do a better job of it. I never thought he would screw it up this badly.

"Um, I, I've, I'm, uh, you've accidentally agreed to a game show!" He lies through his back teeth, as if I would believe such careless lies, what a comedy.

"Ah have I?" I question back with my own carefully crafted lies, playing the part of the fool, easy enough. "What kind of game show?"

"Ur-" He pauses.

Sagiri is scurrying around making calls, contacting those that can make Yeager's poorly thought plan work even a bit. Ushio as usual can not muster enough care for this particular situation. Ah but who cares about those people that vanish behind the scenes? Huh? Wait, something even more unexpected. Is that, no it can't be, I thought he was, is that- No, no we're fine.

Sagiri gives Yeager the phone. He lets out his obnoxious chuckle and opens his mouth.

"The game show is The Red String, a game show where a bachelor picks between several suitable choices and picks the person he's going to marry before the year's end. This is the Splicers addition with the added bonus that the losers are sent back to where The Facility where they hold these criminals that commit crime against nature." He explains in a lie, he must think me senile, what a tragedy.

"Oh really, and I signed up for this? How strange, I don't remember. Ah this is why I'm retiring, I can't seem to remember much of anything these days." I speak out with a smile, my smile is intimidating I have heard, apparently I have a mouth full of fangs, what a comedy.

"Ah yes well, you're roped into this so you can't retire until then because you'll need money for their upkeep and canceling would paint you in a bad image. Well goodbye, off to see the kids." Yeager states before attempting to run off, certainly I won't allow that, if he wants to keep his job for another year he'll have to work on my terms, aha.

"You can't go Yeager, you are my harem's personal manager." I tell him, flashing another smile, full of fangs apparently.

Yeager gulps and smiles back awkwardly.

"Oh of course, such a noble job." Yeager smiles back.

I go to take a close look at my guests. Physical features are very important.

First in line is a smirking man with bright orange hair, he is rather short and has a face full of tribal markers. He wears a pair of bolt earrings and the usual black jumpsuit that Splicers get though he's zipped his down nearly to the crotch. Well then, he's quite the little punk. Intriguing. A pair of black wings come out from his back, his shirt is ripped so they'd fit through.

"Your information please." I ask him.

He frowns.

"Asking us again huh old man?" He pursues back, as if I'd answer, what a little comedy.

There is a pause. He smirks again.

"Crow Hogan, theft, grand theft auto, vandalism, possession of Splicer drugs, prostitution and drug running, I forgot bout that, sorry, seventeen, Hooded Crow by artificial means." He lists off.

He runs a hand through his hair and looks very interested in the ring on my finger. Off course, Hooded Crow's are notorious thieves. This is why we keep Splicers locked up, they behave too much like, well, animals.

I walk over to the next one. A short man of Asian descent. He has a pair of brown fluffy wolf ears coming out from where natural ones would and a tail that appears to have been cut though he's wagging it. He retains a blank face, one with all the seriousness in the world. That's something to be admired at least. Similar to the previous one he has a marker though this one appears to be a gang tattoo. He spies me and sighs.

"Fudou Yuusei, developing the Splicer drug, eighteen, Hokkaido Wolf." He breathes out.

Hokkaido Wolf huh? I thought those were extinct. Curious and curiouser, what a comedy. He looks just like-

I head over to the next one in line. A tall man that is certainly European with violet eyes and blond hair. He has unzipped his jumpsuit to his stomach, at least more decent than the bird. He has a pair of cat ears in yellow with tufts of fur on the top of his head. His human ears are still there at least, that's some sight. His tail is of a golden colour with deeper rings going down it and it swishes incessantly.

"Jack Atlus, homicide, assault, drug running, jaywalking, tax evasion and possession of Splicer drugs, nineteen, Chinchilla Cat." The younger man lists off, he's probably been through the motions before.

He stares into my eyes, we are the same height, how rare, how exciting. He stares for a bit before breaking off contact.

I glide to the next one in line, he looks depressed with circles under his eyes and his hands hung limply at his sides. He has long white hair that cascades over his face and a pair of bright yellow eyes that look like they've lost a lot of bite. In replace of his natural ears he has ones that look like a rodent's in white. His jumpsuit is in rags and he also has a gang tattoo.

"Kyosuke Kiryu, serial homicide and possession of Splicer drugs, eighteen, Dumbo Rat."He frowns and speaks out in monotone, what a tragedy, he seemed like he was vicious before.

His eyes follow me as I walk to the next in line.

A broad and gruff man with black hair sprinkled with blond. His eyes are a deeper violet. He has a pair of muddy brown ears on his head and long claw like fingernails. He snarls at me and displays a mouth full of fangs. Splicers are much too dangerous to be let out in contemporary society. You can't trust them at all, they are, well, animals after all.

The man wears his jumpsuit correctly though he has a line on it in white that shows that he is a member of the mob.

"Dragan Lyn, serial homicide, gun running, drug running, assault, battery, possession of Splicer drugs, I am twenty six and spliced artificially with a Grolar-Bear. Which is a Polar Bear, Grizzly Bear hybrid that exists, look it up!" he sneers with hot blood practically dripping from his lips.

In the background there is a faint chuckling. I got to it as it just happens to be from the man next in line.

"And pray tell me why you're laughing." I demand from the man.

He just chuckles again. He has a pair of gray wolf ears on top of his head and a wolf tail as well as strangely enough a pair of small wings coming from his back. The wolf man has long silver hair and yellow predatory eyes and wears his jumpsuit with the same white line.

"Because my dear friend acts so very aggressive. He acted this way before yet you people always assume it is his wonderful new instincts. Pathetic. Now for the information you want, I will tell you what I told them Harald Framitiden, multiple homicides, drug and gun running, assault and battery, loitering, possession of Splicer drugs and regular narcotics with intent to distribute, working in the development of Splicer drugs, human trafficking, Splicer trafficking and all over being a Mob Boss. Thirty four years old and spliced naturally with the White-Tailed Eagle, spliced artificially with the Eurasian Wolf." The silverette chuckles before grinning a grin with a mouth full of teeth, apparently like mine, what a comedy.

He licks his lips.

I move to the next. A boy that won't hold place with a thin body and flame hair. He has a pair of white ears in replace of human ones a fox's tail. He also has a small fang when he smiles widely at me. He hops up and down and waves his claw like fingernails towards me. His jumpsuit has the white line and is also a wreck, as if he gets into a lot of trouble. Fox Splicers tend to.

"Brave Chama! As for crimes no clue! Maybe twenty and spliced with the beautiful and charming Arctic Fox." The boy smiles towards me and displays his fang, it's actually rather cute, what a comedy.

Those three seem to be from the same mob, ah. They must be awfully dangerous. Aha. No concerns though.

The next in line is a very concerned man, he seems like he's going to start screaming. He has a pair of swirled ram horns coming out of his forehead where the hairline means, they point backwards at least. I hate rams. Other than that there are no traces of his nature. The curtains match the windows with him being a brunette with brown eyes.

"Hello my name is Jean Epreuve and I swear to god I didn't do what they said I did, please send me home I am, I am, I'm twenty six and spliced with the Bighorn Ram." The anxious one whimpers as he grabs fast to himself.

I move to the next one. After all this man is nothing to me.

The next is a blue eyed blond, clearly American. He has a pair of horns coming from either side of his head and looks resigned to his fate. Admirable. His jumpsuit is worn correctly in all aspects. As far as I can tell he's the most noble one here. Of course he is a cow, Cow Splicers are always very docile. The only ones I don't consider a threat.

"Breo Grayson, hacking and illegal possession of Splicer drugs, twenty eight and spliced with the Florida Cracker." The Cow Splicer speaks in monochrome as if this is none of his concern.

I move to the next who is smiling from ear to ear. He has a solitary horn coming from his head of read hair. His eyes are yellow and show immense joy. His jumpsuit is practically in tatters. The red head is also very broad and tall at my height and width. He has a pair of handcuffs on, the only one to wear them actually. Dangerous, must be. Aha, what a right shame, he seems like he'd make a good member of Security.

He laughs out loud with hysteria and psychosis.

"Andore Sangrar, stabbing loads of people ahahaha! Twenty seven! Narwhal!" he cries out with a huge smile.

He is clearly in need of medication, what a tragedy.

I move to the next, I don't want this man too close to me. This one is a melancholy man with long blond braids that touch the ground and hair that reminds me vaguely of a Christmas tree. He looks of into the distance blankly, like he's had many hardships. His jumpsuit is white due to him being a member of terrorist group Yliaster. The man has green scales going from his cheeks all the way down past his neck and presumably beyond.

In a small voice he whimpers. "Paul Misere is my birth name but I'm Paradox now. High treason and attempted suicide. Serial homicide as well. I am thirty one and was born part European Green Lizard."

He continues looking away.

Next in line is a man with spiky white hair and red eyes. He wears a pair of boots that are probably important to his health as, well, he has them. He sneers at me with disgust. This one also wears white jumpsuit and has scales, shimmering as that's the only way I can see them, in white underneath his eyes and on his hands. When he sneers again I can clearly see two fangs. A snake, how rare, Reptile Splicers, we don't see them anymore.

""Placido Tenor, high treason and serial homicide. Twenty two and born as a Western Horned Sand Viper." This one snarls towards me.

It's of no concern to me. Next in line.

This one is a little boy, he really must have done something terrible to end up in this situation. He also wears a white jumpsuit so I can only assume- The boy has a long red braid and green eyes and smiles at me. He also has two fangs but much smaller than the others. His scales are a dull green and are on his eyebrows and nose.

"Lucciano Tenor, high treason and serial homicide as well. I am eleven years old and born a False Smooth snake." He speaks with a high tone and smiles towards me.

How smug, what an interesting little boy.

I move to the next and he keeps his eyes on me while licking his lips. Predators are all the same.

The next is a man much broader and taller than me. I would have to stand on a stool to look eye to eye. He may be a problem. He has black scales on his mouth going down in a straight line down his neck. He has shocking pink and white hair and, if I step back to look, green eyes. His jumpsuit is also white. This man looks depressed. Ah, what a tragedy.

"Adalfiera Tenor, high treason, attempted suicide, serial homicide and born a Round Burrowing Boa. Thirty nine years old." He speaks soft and slow.

Not as intimidating as he could have been, good. I move on.

The next is a very familiar face. Ah, Eugene Ross. He's had some improvements, mainly a pair of white rabbit ears standing straight up from his skull. He shoves his glasses up again.

"Hello Eugene, I thought you were dead." I mention, playing the fool in pointless with him, what a comedy.

"There's no one of that name here, I'm afraid you've gone senile old man." He frowns in return, how tsun of him, I always pegged him to be more kuu.

"If you insist. I won't need your information." I speak, he frowns, I leave.

The next is a man with flowing blond hair and green eyes. He is wearing a white jumpsuit as well. He is of European descent and has a locket with her. It must be important. He has a horse's tail that is absentmindedly batting at flies and a horse's ears in replace of his own.

"Sherry LeBlanc, attempted homicide and high treason, twenty one, French Trotter." He states, his buck teeth show when he talks.

The next is, the next is regrettable. I thought he was dead for a while actually. Aha. My niisan is such a fool, and also the testament to the fact that Splicers have reduced aging. At least he did some good.

"Rudger, I won't be needing your information either." I smile, with apparently fanged teeth, what a tragedy.

My brother's had some additions, four small red eyes without sclera and his natural ones have become a red as well. When he smiles at me I can see his fangs.

"Hello brother, I've missed you very much." He laughs before turning dead serious. "So when's our wedding?"

A straight face as he asks that, just like my brother.

"Who said I was marrying you?" I ask, it's a valid question, I want them to compete for my amusement.

"Dunno." He shrugs.

I walk away from them and return to Yeager. My assistant is practically twitching in fear.

"So Yeager, what exactly are the rules to this game?" I question, there's malice there, though I play the fool.

He frowns and fiddles with his hands and scratches his head.

"The rules are that one of them must be wed by the end of the year or they are all let go." he states with a tremble, rightfully so as this makes me angry.

"They are allowed to use the phone as they wish, must be treated fairly, must interact with each other, must be fed, must be clothed in clothes other than prison jumpsuits, must be kept clean, no medication, no weapons and one of them must be allowed in to your room every two weeks, you have to alternate." he lists of, what a comedy.

Wait, I can't medicate them. Well.

"For the participants, um, no drugs, no weapons, no bribes, no blackmail, are we clear?" He stutters out.

They all give various moans and groans of approval and nods.

"Um good, we'll set up the camera crew I suppose." Yeager frowns.

A woman with green eyes and kinky blond hair smiles for the camera.

"Hello I am Angela, your host for The Red String. In this special season eighteen Splicers from The Facility will be competing for the affection of The Director of Security! Ironic huh? Now let's start this off with getting the living arrangements and clothing necessary for these strange and edgy former humans!" She smiles to the camera.

I smile. What fun, I'm actually quite excited. Look at this show. Aha. What a comedy.

Angela snaps her fingers and Kazama, Sagiri and Ushio arrange for the eighteen to be taken for whatever it is she wants.

Some peace at least. What a comedy.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own this franchise or any of its characters.

**Author Note: **The last chapter was done in a hurry so a few mistakes were made but don't worry those will be fixed. Eventually. One day. Also my writing style's changed a bit from the first chapter but whatever.

Splicers

Episode Two: Indulging: Idol Syndrome

"What in god's name have you done Yeager?"I ask.

I already know of course. I knew before he even thought of it. I just assumed that he'd do a better job of it. I never thought he would screw it up this badly.

"Um, I, I've, I'm, uh, you've accidentally agreed to a game show!" He lies through his back teeth, as if I would believe such careless lies, what a comedy.

"Ah have I?" I question back with my own carefully crafted lies, playing the part of the fool, easy enough. "What kind of game show?"

"Ur-" He pauses.

Sagiri is scurrying around making calls, contacting those that can make Yeager's poorly thought plan work even a bit. Ushio as usual can not muster enough care for this particular situation. Ah but who cares about those people that vanish behind the scenes? Huh? Wait, something even more unexpected. Is that, no it can't be, I thought he was, is that- No, no we're fine.

Sagiri gives Yeager the phone. He lets out his obnoxious chuckle and opens his mouth.

"The game show is The Red String, a game show where a bachelor picks between several suitable choices and picks the person he's going to marry before the year's end. This is the Splicers addition with the added bonus that the losers are sent back to where The Facility where they hold these criminals that commit crime against nature." He explains in a lie, he must think me senile, what a tragedy.

"Oh really, and I signed up for this? How strange, I don't remember. Ah this is why I'm retiring, I can't seem to remember much of anything these days." I speak out with a smile, my smile is intimidating I have heard, apparently I have a mouth full of fangs, what a comedy.

"Ah yes well, you're roped into this so you can't retire until then because you'll need money for their upkeep and canceling would paint you in a bad image. Well goodbye, off to see the kids." Yeager states before attempting to run off, certainly I won't allow that, if he wants to keep his job for another year he'll have to work on my terms, aha.

"You can't go Yeager, you are my harem's personal manager." I tell him, flashing another smile, full of fangs apparently.

Yeager gulps and smiles back awkwardly.

"Oh of course, such a noble job." Yeager smiles back.

I go to take a close look at my guests. Physical features are very important.

First in line is a smirking man with bright orange hair, he is rather short and has a face full of tribal markers. He wears a pair of bolt earrings and the usual black jumpsuit that Splicers get though he's zipped his down nearly to the crotch. Well then, he's quite the little punk. Intriguing. A pair of black wings come out from his back, his shirt is ripped so they'd fit through.

"Your information please." I ask him.

He frowns.

"Asking us again huh old man?" He pursues back, as if I'd answer, what a little comedy.

There is a pause. He smirks again.

"Crow Hogan, theft, grand theft auto, vandalism, possession of Splicer drugs, prostitution and drug running, I forgot bout that, sorry, seventeen, Hooded Crow by artificial means." He lists off.

He runs a hand through his hair and looks very interested in the ring on my finger. Off course, Hooded Crow's are notorious thieves. This is why we keep Splicers locked up, they behave too much like, well, animals.

I walk over to the next one. A short man of Asian descent. He has a pair of brown fluffy wolf ears coming out from where natural ones would and a tail that appears to have been cut though he's wagging it. He retains a blank face, one with all the seriousness in the world. That's something to be admired at least. Similar to the previous one he has a marker though this one appears to be a gang tattoo. He spies me and sighs.

"Fudou Yuusei, developing the Splicer drug, eighteen, Hokkaido Wolf." He breathes out.

Hokkaido Wolf huh? I thought those were extinct. Curious and curiouser, what a comedy. He looks just like-

I head over to the next one in line. A tall man that is certainly European with violet eyes and blond hair. He has unzipped his jumpsuit to his stomach, at least more decent than the bird. He has a pair of cat ears in yellow with tufts of fur on the top of his head. His human ears are still there at least, that's some sight. His tail is of a golden colour with deeper rings going down it and it swishes incessantly.

"Jack Atlus, homicide, assault, drug running, jaywalking, tax evasion and possession of Splicer drugs, nineteen, Chinchilla Cat." The younger man lists off, he's probably been through the motions before.

He stares into my eyes, we are the same height, how rare, how exciting. He stares for a bit before breaking off contact.

I glide to the next one in line, he looks depressed with circles under his eyes and his hands hung limply at his sides. He has long white hair that cascades over his face and a pair of bright yellow eyes that look like they've lost a lot of bite. In replace of his natural ears he has ones that look like a rodent's in white. His jumpsuit is in rags and he also has a gang tattoo.

"Kyosuke Kiryu, serial homicide and possession of Splicer drugs, eighteen, Dumbo Rat."He frowns and speaks out in monotone, what a tragedy, he seemed like he was vicious before.

His eyes follow me as I walk to the next in line.

A broad and gruff man with black hair sprinkled with blond. His eyes are a deeper violet. He has a pair of muddy brown ears on his head and long claw like fingernails. He snarls at me and displays a mouth full of fangs. Splicers are much too dangerous to be let out in contemporary society. You can't trust them at all, they are, well, animals after all.

The man wears his jumpsuit correctly though he has a line on it in white that shows that he is a member of the mob.

"Dragan Lyn, serial homicide, gun running, drug running, assault, battery, possession of Splicer drugs, I am twenty six and spliced artificially with a Grolar-Bear. Which is a Polar Bear, Grizzly Bear hybrid that exists, look it up!" he sneers with hot blood practically dripping from his lips.

In the background there is a faint chuckling. I got to it as it just happens to be from the man next in line.

"And pray tell me why you're laughing." I demand from the man.

He just chuckles again. He has a pair of gray wolf ears on top of his head and a wolf tail as well as strangely enough a pair of small wings coming from his back. The wolf man has long silver hair and yellow predatory eyes and wears his jumpsuit with the same white line.

"Because my dear friend acts so very aggressive. He acted this way before yet you people always assume it is his wonderful new instincts. Pathetic. Now for the information you want, I will tell you what I told them Harald Framitiden, multiple homicides, drug and gun running, assault and battery, loitering, possession of Splicer drugs and regular narcotics with intent to distribute, working in the development of Splicer drugs, human trafficking, Splicer trafficking and all over being a Mob Boss. Thirty four years old and spliced naturally with the White-Tailed Eagle, spliced artificially with the Eurasian Wolf." The silverette chuckles before grinning a grin with a mouth full of teeth, apparently like mine, what a comedy.

He licks his lips.

I move to the next. A boy that won't hold place with a thin body and flame hair. He has a pair of white ears in replace of human ones a fox's tail. He also has a small fang when he smiles widely at me. He hops up and down and waves his claw like fingernails towards me. His jumpsuit has the white line and is also a wreck, as if he gets into a lot of trouble. Fox Splicers tend to.

"Brave Chama! As for crimes no clue! Maybe twenty and spliced with the beautiful and charming Arctic Fox." The boy smiles towards me and displays his fang, it's actually rather cute, what a comedy.

Those three seem to be from the same mob, ah. They must be awfully dangerous. Aha. No concerns though.

The next in line is a very concerned man, he seems like he's going to start screaming. He has a pair of swirled ram horns coming out of his forehead where the hairline means, they point backwards at least. I hate rams. Other than that there are no traces of his nature. The curtains match the windows with him being a brunette with brown eyes.

"Hello my name is Jean Epreuve and I swear to god I didn't do what they said I did, please send me home I am, I am, I'm twenty six and spliced with the Bighorn Ram." The anxious one whimpers as he grabs fast to himself.

I move to the next one. After all this man is nothing to me.

The next is a blue eyed blond, clearly American. He has a pair of horns coming from either side of his head and looks resigned to his fate. Admirable. His jumpsuit is worn correctly in all aspects. As far as I can tell he's the most noble one here. Of course he is a cow, Cow Splicers are always very docile. The only ones I don't consider a threat.

"Breo Grayson, hacking and illegal possession of Splicer drugs, twenty eight and spliced with the Florida Cracker." The Cow Splicer speaks in monochrome as if this is none of his concern.

I move to the next who is smiling from ear to ear. He has a solitary horn coming from his head of read hair. His eyes are yellow and show immense joy. His jumpsuit is practically in tatters. The red head is also very broad and tall at my height and width. He has a pair of handcuffs on, the only one to wear them actually. Dangerous, must be. Aha, what a right shame, he seems like he'd make a good member of Security.

He laughs out loud with hysteria and psychosis.

"Andore Sangrar, stabbing loads of people ahahaha! Twenty seven! Narwhal!" he cries out with a huge smile.

He is clearly in need of medication, what a tragedy.

I move to the next, I don't want this man too close to me. This one is a melancholy man with long blond braids that touch the ground and hair that reminds me vaguely of a Christmas tree. He looks of into the distance blankly, like he's had many hardships. His jumpsuit is white due to him being a member of terrorist group Yliaster. The man has green scales going from his cheeks all the way down past his neck and presumably beyond.

In a small voice he whimpers. "Paul Misere is my birth name but I'm Paradox now. High treason and attempted suicide. Serial homicide as well. I am thirty one and was born part European Green Lizard."

He continues looking away.

Next in line is a man with spiky white hair and red eyes. He wears a pair of boots that are probably important to his health as, well, he has them. He sneers at me with disgust. This one also wears white jumpsuit and has scales, shimmering as that's the only way I can see them, in white underneath his eyes and on his hands. When he sneers again I can clearly see two fangs. A snake, how rare, Reptile Splicers, we don't see them anymore.

""Placido Tenor, high treason and serial homicide. Twenty two and born as a Western Horned Sand Viper." This one snarls towards me.

It's of no concern to me. Next in line.

This one is a little boy, he really must have done something terrible to end up in this situation. He also wears a white jumpsuit so I can only assume- The boy has a long red braid and green eyes and smiles at me. He also has two fangs but much smaller than the others. His scales are a dull green and are on his eyebrows and nose.

"Lucciano Tenor, high treason and serial homicide as well. I am eleven years old and born a False Smooth snake." He speaks with a high tone and smiles towards me.

How smug, what an interesting little boy.

I move to the next and he keeps his eyes on me while licking his lips. Predators are all the same.

The next is a man much broader and taller than me. I would have to stand on a stool to look eye to eye. He may be a problem. He has black scales on his mouth going down in a straight line down his neck. He has shocking pink and white hair and, if I step back to look, green eyes. His jumpsuit is also white. This man looks depressed. Ah, what a tragedy.

"Adalfiera Tenor, high treason, attempted suicide, serial homicide and born a Round Burrowing Boa. Thirty nine years old." He speaks soft and slow.

Not as intimidating as he could have been, good. I move on.

The next is a very familiar face. Ah, Eugene Ross. He's had some improvements, mainly a pair of white rabbit ears standing straight up from his skull. He shoves his glasses up again.

"Hello Eugene, I thought you were dead." I mention, playing the fool in pointless with him, what a comedy.

"There's no one of that name here, I'm afraid you've gone senile old man." He frowns in return, how tsun of him, I always pegged him to be more kuu.

"If you insist. I won't need your information." I speak, he frowns, I leave.

The next is a man with flowing blond hair and green eyes. He is wearing a white jumpsuit as well. He is of European descent and has a locket with her. It must be important. He has a horse's tail that is absentmindedly batting at flies and a horse's ears in replace of his own.

"Sherry LeBlanc, attempted homicide and high treason, twenty one, French Trotter." He states, his buck teeth show when he talks.

The next is, the next is regrettable. I thought he was dead for a while actually. Aha. My niisan is such a fool, and also the testament to the fact that Splicers have reduced aging. At least he did some good.

"Rudger, I won't be needing your information either." I smile, with apparently fanged teeth, what a tragedy.

My brother's had some additions, four small red eyes without sclera and his natural ones have become a red as well. When he smiles at me I can see his fangs.

"Hello brother, I've missed you very much." He laughs before turning dead serious. "So when's our wedding?"

A straight face as he asks that, just like my brother.

"Who said I was marrying you?" I ask, it's a valid question, I want them to compete for my amusement.

"Dunno." He shrugs.

I walk away from them and return to Yeager. My assistant is practically twitching in fear.

"So Yeager, what exactly are the rules to this game?" I question, there's malice there, though I play the fool.

He frowns and fiddles with his hands and scratches his head.

"The rules are that one of them must be wed by the end of the year or they are all let go." he states with a tremble, rightfully so as this makes me angry.

"They are allowed to use the phone as they wish, must be treated fairly, must interact with each other, must be fed, must be clothed in clothes other than prison jumpsuits, must be kept clean, no medication, no weapons and one of them must be allowed in to your room every two weeks, you have to alternate." he lists of, what a comedy.

Wait, I can't medicate them. Well.

"For the participants, um, no drugs, no weapons, no bribes, no blackmail, are we clear?" He stutters out.

They all give various moans and groans of approval and nods.

"Um good, we'll set up the camera crew I suppose." Yeager frowns.

A woman with green eyes and kinky blond hair smiles for the camera.

"Hello I am Angela, your host for The Red String. In this special season eighteen Splicers from The Facility will be competing for the affection of The Director of Security! Ironic huh? Now let's start this off with getting the living arrangements and clothing necessary for these strange and edgy former humans!" She smiles to the camera.

I smile. What fun, I'm actually quite excited. Look at this show. Aha. What a comedy.

Angela snaps her fingers and Kazama, Sagiri and Ushio arrange for the eighteen to be taken for whatever it is she wants.

Some peace at least. What a comedy.


End file.
